See You on the Other Side

grief, hope, widowhood

I was running late this morning (nothing new about that). But today I was particularly late, and at the time I got in my car and started it up, I’m usually already sitting at my desk at work.  I wouldn’t normally have been in the car when this song was playing.

Timing is everything.

So I started my car, and … Read the blog

I want to keep you alive

grief and birthdays

I want to keep you alive

I look around me and I see that there’s no way to keep you here, but I’m trying. Life shouts at me, Move on. Move on. Move on…but I don’t want to if that means leaving you behind.

I know I can’t bring you back. I hate that I couldn’t save you, that I … Read the blog

The Legacy of the Do-It-Yourselfer

Dear Rick,

Everything in this house elicits a memory. Absolutely everything.

I just heard the clink of the mailbox as the postman left a delivery. We installed the mailbox. We handpicked the perfect one with the perfect finish that matched the outdoor sconces on the garage. We toted it home in the back of your F150.

On a hot summer … Read the blog

It’s all just attempts at distraction.

widow grief

It’s all just attempts at distraction.

All day long every day.

Each hour brings a wrong note – discord and strife because nothing is the way it’s supposed to be.

The clock ticks and each moment reminds me of what I lost. All day, my rhythms are off. All day, every day, is wrong, soul-jarringly wrong.

Each second reminds me … Read the blog

Saturday Afternoons – A Poem

Saturdays

You used to say you loved to hear the rain outside our window
On Saturday afternoons spent in bed

A nap became a perfect world inhabited by two

Legs entwined, my head on your massive muscular chest,
Warmed by your love
We talked of everything and nothing

“Let’s pretend we’re living in our truck, we’re traveling the country, we’re … Read the blog

I’m glad I made the trip

Dear Rick,

I’m glad I made the trip.

Having made the journey is like a big sigh of relief – now. It wasn’t that way at first. It was a challenge, a thing I knew I had to do to reach closure, to continue with my new life.

A new life I didn’t ask for or want.

The first evening, … Read the blog

August 8th

Dear Rick,

My mind continues to go back to that day last August, the day you called me in to lay with you. I was working from home, as usual, and we had eaten Burger King in the park for lunch. Now it was 4pm, and I had just finished my work day in my home office. You had been … Read the blog

The Dream

Dear Rick,

I can’t stand it. I can’t stand that you’re not here with me.

Yes, I’m proud of myself. I drove to Florida. But the pride doesn’t count for much when compared to the misery I’m feeling right now.

Not seeing you in the chair next to me at sunset was devastating. You’re supposed to be here. And, once … Read the blog

Our first date anniversary

Dear Rick,

I made it through another significant day. Our first date was March 9, 1996. We celebrated the occasion every year, and yesterday was a tough one.

I had to pause a few times during the work day to cry. I just miss you so terribly that I can’t stand it. I think back on that date and know … Read the blog

Dismembering your life

I’m moving on.

I’ve taken pictures of your office, as you had it when you were here. It’s my attempt to maintain your memory. The office was you: your art, your collections, your special retreat filled with all your favorite things, gadgets, technology.

Your blue chair – the ugly Early American monstrosity – is still there where it was relocated … Read the blog