Twelve weeks

Dear Rick,

Twelve weeks.

This is the longest we’ve been apart since the night we met. How can I go on without you?

I thought the pain might be getting better…that the hole in my heart would start to heal. Scar over.

It’s not happening. It’s getting worse.

Another Sunday morning without you – what do I do? Where do … Read the blog

Living alone in our world

Dear Rick,

We were in a world of our own, a perfect world we created together.

Perfect.

We jealously guarded the world, only letting in close family members. Only going to a few social events if they really struck our fancy. Otherwise, our home, our car, our forays to diners and restaurants were solo. They were us.

We refined our … Read the blog

Wind phone

From my letters to Rick, October 29, 2017

I haven’t written to you in a while. I’ve been talking to you all the time, though. We sit here chatting every evening, don’t we? You typically have nothing to say, but we both know I did most of the talking anyway.

I miss you.

Those words sure don’t convey the pain … Read the blog

Horseplay Memories

Dear Rick,

I’m at work.
It’s 9:47 am, and suddenly I pictured being at the hospital with you.

Getting on the elevator at the medical center, you turn to me and jab at my stomach and I warn you that there are cameras watching your abuse.

Then we continue with the horseplay

I swat at you
Or I throw my … Read the blog

I just remembered the giant TV

Dear Rick,

I just remembered the giant TV. We bought it at Best Buy after my parents said we could borrow their empty Discover card. You were flabbergasted that they would come down and offer it to us. They lived in the apartment a few doors down and they came to visit just to offer the card. They knew we … Read the blog

Frozen in time

Dear Rick,

Since you died, I’ve been amassing photos, videos, and even one voice recording I found. I’ve found things you’ve written – in longhand – and in google docs or Word.

I’ve gathered anything and everything that can keep your memory fresh.

Right now, I’m doing an Amazon Prime photo backup and seeing pictures I haven’t seen in a … Read the blog

I just made eggs for breakfast

Dear Rick,

I just made eggs for breakfast.

You used to do this for me every day before I left for work. You’d ask, “Do you want breakfast?” and I’d say, “Yes, please.” And you’d make three scrambled eggs in a small pan while I showered, and dressed, and ran to catch up because, as usual, I’d overslept.

Meanwhile, you’d … Read the blog

Better off

Jo asked me if I was better off after losing you than I was before we met.

We were talking finances, and the answer is yes.

But how many other ways am I better off today?

You told me so often how intelligent I was, how beautiful, how sexy, how talented. You disparaged others who didn’t appreciate me as an Read the blog

We did everything together

We did everything together.

I sit here mourning your death, and I think, who would understand this pain? We did everything together. Since you retired in 2011, you’d drive me to work in the morning, pick me up and take me to lunch, then pick me up and take me home.

On Fridays, I worked from my home office, and … Read the blog